Characters

In order of appearance

• Englebert Aloysius Foote (aka Bert): Narrator, HCS English teacher
• Father Hank Grieshaber (aka Hank, Father Grease): HCS rector
• Father Albert Meyer (aka Mother May-Eye): Publisher of Spes Unica Press
• Father Bernard John Fox (aka the Fox): HCS history teacher
• Rick Doogan: Bert's AA sponsor
• Brother Rufus Meyer, aka Rufus: HCS maintenance
• Karl Foote, aka Butch: Bert's son
• Katherine Foote, aka Sissy: Bert's daughter
• Eli Bonpere: Bert's lawyer
• Trudy: Eli's secretary
• Sarah Foote: Bert's wife
• Michael Clark (aka Mick): A freshman
• Louis Dzinski: A freshman 
• Jack Carter: Junior monitor
• Jimmy Parker: St. Joe Hall seminarian
• Father Joe Perry: St. Joe Hall rector
• Father Aloysius Hopfensperger (aka Father Hop): Latin teacher
• Sean O'Hara: Senior, editor of The CSC
• Lisa Bonpere: Eli's wife
• Dave Johnson (aka Dingo Dave): A junior
• All Mueller: Attorney for Congregation of Holy Cross
• Sgt. Frank Hayden: St. Joseph County homicide detective
• Detective Andrew Wood: St. Joseph County homicide detective
• Charles Weber (aka UpChuck): A sophomore
• Dr. Paul Schueller: Notre Dame professor
• Sister Marta: a cook, twin to Sister Celia
• Sister Celia: a cook, twin to Sister Marta
• Father Michael Miller: Provincial for Congregation of Holy Cross
• Father Emanuel Viognier: Provincial for Congregation of Holy Cross in 1946
• Archbishop Terence O'Brien: a member of Congregation of Holy Cross
• Father Phil Fischer (aka the Fish): French and Spanish teacher
• Father Franco Fratelli: math teacher
• Diane Johnson: mother of Dave and Dan Johnson
• Sandra Guilfoyle: mother of student at Notre Dame High School in Niles, Illinois
• Dorothy Price: seminary secretary
• Simon Weisberg: Nazi hunter
• Father Mathew O'Connor: HCS religion teacher
• Father George Pieczi: HCS physics teacher